Essay by Werner Haas, West Hollywood, California
The frozen March doldrums have forced me to empty my silliness locker of puns, wisecracks, groaners and the like. As summer nears, I need to be as crisp as leaves in Maine.
So, beware- what follows is inanity at its best:
-I have always thought a name for a stripper would be Hostess Cupcakes.
-If I were to open a gay bar, I think I’d name it Headquarters. And, an S & M habitat in Bangkok would be called “Thais that Bind.”
-Tampons are not people who live in Tampa.
-One of my neighbors is so boring that I start to yawn when he says “Hello.”
-I wonder if a government employee ever addresses Carol as “Citizen Kane”?
-When Weight watchers hold a dance, can we say the members are tripping the heavy fantastic?
-Where does St. Peter find the oysters to keep replenishing the Pearly Gates?
-When deeply religious women give birth, are their babies tied to an umbiblical cord?
-The missionary position does not mean you need to hold a Bible while having sex
-To me, Audi is a perfect name for a tiny hearing aid.
-I wonder if sperm donors are rewarded with a cell phone.
-Outstanding bowlers should be inducted into the Hall of Frame.
-Has any car dealer ever had a customer who wanted to turn in an old Lincoln with the claim “My car is all shot”?
- What if antique dealers created their own marching band. Would it be the Drum and Duncan Phyfe corps?
-Trying to come up with celebrities with planetary names, Earth-a Kitt comes to mind, as do Venus Williams, Freddy Mercury, Kenneth Mars- sorry, Pluto the dog no longer counts. Maybe we could squeeze in Kathleen SaTurn-er, and if Brad were Israeli, maybe he could be Ju-Pitt-er.
-If a centipede reaches old age, do we say that he is on his last legs?
-What if Gillette decided to sponsor “Duck Dynasty”?
= could we consider a female Egret as an Egress? Or, would we be shown the way out?
-If Kevin had a son who entered West Point, would he be considered a Spacey cadet?
-I located the missing “A” in Barbra Streisand’s first name. It’s on Hester Prynne’s forehead.
-Then there is the corn farmer who learned to play piano by ear.
-When Mr. Peanut sneezes, does he say Ca-shew?
-Why does Chinese pianist Lang Lang refuse to play “Chopsticks’?
-The first literary character not to dare come out of the closet was Dorian Gray.
-When police raid a darkened brothel, do they use a blowtorch?
-Is it true that veterinary science now has made it possible for cats to have 12 lives?
-When the filmed commercial for Saran was over, the director yelled “It’s a wrap!”
-Why hasn’t the AARP put out a calendar of senior citizen nudes and called it “Gray’s Anatomy”?
-A new psychiatrist opened his offices. Perfect name: Sy Koses.
-Madrid is now swamped with fish, because, due a twist of nature, salmon swam upstream to Spain.
-I figure if you can spell “Alzheimer’s” you don’t have it.
My larder is not nearly empty. But, I’ll leave you with one final question: With all these fancy convoluted gyrations in modern dancing, what’s the one body part you should not move on the dance floor? Your bowels.
I’ll save other puns for another time.
Werner Haas is a West Hollywood writer whose latest novel is named “Wasps.” Summary: Long Island is no longer a place for complacent suburbanites. It is now a festering ground for anti-social activity by bored or power-hungry teens.
The Wasps is a story of such a neo-Nazi gang made up of otherwise “ordinary” middle-class young people. Get “Wasps” here.